You’re the Worst Person in the Bar
(OR) How to Conduct Oneself in Civilized Society
I wouldn’t say I’m an expert on bars, just that I’ve hung out in them more than I admit to my mom. And I’m certainly no expert on civilized society.
But I’ve been on both sides of the bar, in various capacities, even as the perpetrator of some of these slights. As embarrassing as it may be to admit that, I believe that experience counts for something, so take this for what you think experience is worth.
I’d like to start by dismissing the obvious (farting, throwing up, or just generally being creepy to girls). The following are not the types of transgressions that get you kicked out (or get your ass kicked). These are the subtler things that make people think you’re also the kind of person who doesn’t call your mother on her birthday.
Saving a seat for someone
Obviously this only applies to a busy bar, and in that case most people are decent enough not to do this, just like most people are decent enough to give up their seat on a subway for someone old or disabled. But every once in awhile- like a pitcher throwing a perfect game- it happens, and when it does it is particularly egregious. If the bar is busy, you’re not allowed to save the seat next to you for someone else.
I don’t care if your friend is running late. It’s their own damn fault they’re not on time, and you can figure out that awkward sit-stand situation when they finally show up. (Do I give up my seat for you? Do we both stand?) In the meantime, let the people who are actually here take a seat. You will enjoy life more if you can make the people around you feel comfortable.
Closing out your tab after every round
I get it, you don’t want to “forget” your card, and you think that this is how to be responsible. It isn’t. It’s tacky, time consuming, and makes more work for everyone. Efficiency is key, and if you’re too much of a child to keep track of your credit card then start using cash.
Asking the bartender to sub an ingredient in a cocktail
That drink on the menu with hibiscus syrup looks so good doesn’t it! But it has gin in it, and you don’t like gin. Please, resist the temptation to start picking the drink apart like its a build your own sundae. You wouldn’t tell a cajun chef how to make his jambalaya would you? These “mixologists” treat their cocktails the same way. Some of them wear aprons like they are blacksmiths for crissakes (a craftsman at his art) and even if they didn’t, it’s bad form to tell someone how to do their job if you haven’t done it. Don’t offend the staff, don’t water down the drink, and don’t tell me you’re allergic to gin. No one is allergic to gin, they just drank too much of it one time in college.
Ordering vodka sodas
What this drink says about you:
“I have no originality or personality, just like my drink. I’m also trying to pretend that I’m an adult but up until this point I’ve only been drinking jungle juice and shots of Fireball. I’ve never actually tried a new drink at a cocktail bar and I’m afraid of taking a chance on something unknown. Oh fuck it I’m just here to get drunk.”
Talking about that person you know who works here
Hey, this place is great right? Let me impress you by name-dropping that person I met once who said they worked here.
No that person doesn’t work here anymore. They got caught doing blow off the toilet seat in the women’s bathroom and now we think you’re a dirty addict too.
Friends of the owner don’t need to say they’re friends of the owner, because everyone on the staff already knows it. People who have real friendships with the owners actually support the bar enough to become regulars, and knowing the staff is what really matters.
Acting like an ape on the bar
Let me clue you in on something: a bartender who knows what they’re doing takes orders at a crowded bar in loops. Which is to say, they begin taking orders from one end of the bar and work their way down. Customers naturally fill into the spots as they open up, and so the cycle is preserved. It’s not perfect, but it’s efficient and reliable. If this means you have to wait an extra 45 seconds before you order your mojito-sub-vodka-for-the-rum, so be it. (Also, see above.)
Aggressively shoulder-checking the person next to you, holding your Citibank debit card like a torch, or shouting your order like a used car auctioneer does nothing but make you look like an asshole. Yes, you are the most important star in the universe, but so is everyone else. Wait your turn you damn impatient Millennial. Take this extra time to enjoy the scene of your life, and when the bartender loops around to you, remember that communication begins with eye contact.
Not tipping on the full amount
So far, you haven’t committed any of the above faux pas. Things are going well. That cute person you just met is actually laughing at your jokes.
But is it pity laughter or genuine laughter? Who cares!
Now the bill comes, and you notice that there is a discount. Congratulations, this really is your night! (everything is coming up Milhouse) You may even be on your way to becoming a genuine regular, and the bartenders and other regulars won’t mind because you haven’t made a nuisance of yourself tonight. But wait, did you just tip on the discounted amount instead of the full total? Who are you? Don’t trip at the 1 yard line. Always tip as if you paid the full amount for everything, and always tip at least 20%.
To paraphrase Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven, “I don’t believe in tipping; I believe in over tipping.” That extra 5 bucks is not gonna make or break you. Do the right thing.
Let’s face it, without alcohol, sports, or coffee, American adults would not know how to socialize with each other. And while most of us come across as decent people over a cup of joe or while watching a baseball game, a few beers make it easy to slide back into a more primordial (douchebag) state. No one ever means to be the worst person in the bar, but without the proper mindset it can happen to anyone. Hopefully this article can help you avoid that misconception, or at least remind you to call your mother.
