How to fix the Olympics
and also solve world peace
Today was the last day of the Olympics, and if you’re anything like me you got really excited when the games started, and then proceeded to not see any of the events you were looking forward to, because for some reason curling is the only thing that’s ever on when you’re watching.
The Olympics are great because they showcase what can happen when passionate athletes come together in extremely competitive conditions. 2018 was no different. Martin Foucade’s photo finish victory in the men’s biathlon; Ester Ledecka’s Super G run; and the women’s epic hockey shootout were just a few of the standout moments of Pyeongchang.
The Olympics are also terrible because if you’re like me, you probably missed all of these moments, because the insanely corrupt IOC and the host countries seem to do everything they can to diminish how great these games could truly be.
Here are a few small proposals that could make the Olympics much better.
Hold the Olympics every year
These events are awesome. I love watching them, and two weeks don’t feel like enough time every four years to watch Super G skiing. Yes, I know that there are other competitions that are held for each of these events, but nothing is quite like the Olympics. And why are the events held every four years in the first place? It’s not like it takes these athletes four years to recover from competing or anything. Hold the games every other year.
Hold the Olympics in one place
One legitimate argument for only having the Olympics every four years is that it takes awhile for the host country to prepare for the games, but rotating the games among different cities is a stupid idea anyway.
It’s no secret that hosting the Olympics is a terrible investment. They cost a ton to prepare for and require massive amounts of infrastructure for a three-week event, which is then mostly left to rot after the games are over. The IOC likes to pretend that hosting the Olympics puts a city on the map and make it a popular tourist destination, but past Olympic sites have been mostly demolished, vandalized, or used for prisons. How many of you are planning a ski vacation to Sochi any time soon?
If we’re going to have the games every year then it makes even more sense to have one country host them.
Athens makes the most sense for the Summer Olympics. They started the whole thing and they need the money. We’re still taking submissions for Winter Olympics, but somewhere in Canada or Japan sounds nice.
Make every country participate.
Yes, both Summer and Winter Olympics are mandatory for all recognized countries (and even some non-recognized countries). Sweden has to run in the 100 meter dash. Jamaica has to bobsled again. Nothing brings humanity together like events we can rally around, and the age of digital media makes it even easier to connect across borders and time zones. Aside from global tragedies, nothing has the immediate, real-time impact of a sporting event.
Yes, this would mean countries would have to invest in something they may not otherwise be interested in, but cash is king. If every country is making money from the Olympics, then no one should really have a problem with participating, and this next idea addresses how to raise revenue.
Use the events to resolve international conflicts.
Okay, this one may seem a bit weird at first, but think about it, what scenario makes more sense?
- You and I are neighbors. We have a dispute about where we should put up a fence. We cannot resolve this with reasoning, payment, or negotiation. So I get a gun and I shoot you. Conflict resolved.
OR
2. You and I are neighbors. We have a dispute about where we should put up a fence. We cannot resolve this with reasoning, payment, or negotiation. So we agree to play a game of foosball and the winner gets to resolve the situation with their proposed solution. Conflict resolved.
Resolving international conflicts through sporting events works for every scenario. Take the Russia and Crimea border dispute. Have each country draw their proposed map, and then let a game of women’s beach volleyball determine who’s border we decide to go with. North Korea wants to build nukes, and the US is opposed to it? Figure it out on through figure skating. Pairs or singles.
Plus, think about what the ratings would be. If ice dancing determined the auto tariffs between Mexico and Japan, I bet a lot more people would watch it. We’d use this increased revenue to pay each country for the cost of training and sending athletes to each event, and the global broadcast of the Games would hold each side accountable to hold up their end of the deal.
Obviously there’s a lot that needs to get ironed out in this. Who determines the events the countries compete in? Can the challenge be renewed at the next games? Should every country have to parade their own version of a shirtless Tonga during the Opening Ceremony? One thing’s for certain, the drug testing would definitely need to tighten up.
The Olympics are great. They show us what we can do when we are at our best, but they can be so much more. Talking is always preferred to taking action, but if you have a irresolvable conflict, resorting to a competitive sporting event makes as much (if not more) sense than resorting to violence. When talks break down, it’s time for action. It’s time for curling.
