An SJ looks at 33

(OR) The 20 Most Meaningful Things Ever Written to Me

I have a lot of strange habits, and as a roommate once said, I like to live in emotion. Proof of both these facts is my collection of various notes and letters people have given me throughout my 33 years rotating on this planet.

I’ve kept all kinds of notes. Letters from my parents. Birthday cards my grandparents gave me when I was a kid. Drawings from younger siblings. Notes from old classmates. And of course, love letters from exes.

Every once in awhile I like to go through them, particularly when I’m feeling confused about myself. It’s a good way to get outside of my head, and to see myself from the eyes of others.

A few of the more meaningful things that people have written to me over the years, in no particular order, and without giving up my sources:

• Learn from other people.
• Money gets to your head. So does head lice.
• Taylor Swift would have been jealous of us.
• Life is always grand, even in tragedy.
• You and I have been through more than two lifetimes together.
• Never ever stop chasing your dreams even if people, parents or friends tell you you are nuts.
• The world is a better place because you’re in it.
• Most of this is well written.
• I loved working with you.
• Whatever it is we have, I know you make me feel things. Passion. Anger. Sadness. Annoyance. Love. Respect- it is always vibrant.
• You taught me how to stay low and take my pass drops correctly.
• I’m constantly impressed with what comes out of your mouth, when you’re not being a jackass.
• You are a much more impactful player than I was on the field (if you ever try and make me admit that again I’ll deny the shit out of it).
• Thank you for being a genuine and thoughtful friend to me always motivating me to be a better person.
• You have a huge loving heart.
• All relationships take work, so leave yourself time to be surrounded by good people.
• Let’s make this a hit.
• Get over yourself.
• Sometimes when I think about you, I think of you as an extension of myself and until I heal, a part of me is missing.
• Keep searching. Keep seeking.

So many people who have impacted me, and who I’ve impacted in return. Such varied experiences of SJ, a self that I’ve always assumed has remained constant, but reading these notes makes me realize that’s not true.

There is no singular me, only the cumulative result of all these interactions, loves that feel like a phantom limb. There is something powerful about the chorus of ghosts from your past that stay connected to you for so long. They make me realize that I am not my job, or who I date, or how much money I have. I am every interaction I’ve ever had with the everyone who’s ever carried a thought about me.

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m 33 now. Entering my Jesus year. They say this a big year for people. We’ll see. 33 is an age where I’m starting to see that I’m getting older. There are wrinkles in my face when I smile and despite my dutiful Rogaine routine, I am losing the war against my receding hairline.

Still, I’d like to think I’m on the front 9 of my life. And if that’s true, then these notes are just the first few chapters of my story. I wonder what people will write to me over the next 33 years. Who I’ll meet. Who I’ll fall in love with. Who I will disappoint. I don’t know what lies ahead, I can only hope that the me I’ll be then will leave a positive impression on others more often than not.